It’s Sunday morning, and I have the place to myself.  We’re spending the weekend at Peninsula de Punta Fuego.  Husband and kids have gone to the beach, while I opted to stay back and have my me-time.   It’s our third year here, and I feel like I’ve seen everything there is to see, plus I’m really very tired I have no energy to battle the heat outside, so I opened my laptop to try if I can verbalize the myriad of emotions that I’m feeling about this blog, particularly about my failure to live up to my promise [to myself] that I will keep this blog updated this year.

There’s a long list of events that I want to write about, but I can’t seem to find the groove to start.  There’s our vacation time in Baguio; then my Nanay’s 75th birthday celebration; then our first Boracay trip; my brother’s 50th birthday celebration; bonding time with my nephews; a reunion with colleagues from my corporate life; Mother’s Day and how I feel about it, really; our third run of the WordPress Workshop; my 8th anniversary as a work-at-home mom, which by the way, I quietly celebrated by giving birth to a new baby,; and finally, yesterday’s third run of the Real Ways to be a WAHM Workshop.

That’s a long list, and a nice one to have.  At least I can’t claim that my reason for not updating my blog is due to lack of topics to write about.  I think I’m just lazy.

Or afraid.

Or insecure.

Or both.

But that’s just about my blogging.

I’m the person who always takes the bull by the horn.  I approach life always with positivity.  I see opportunity in every challenge.  And for each door that closes, I always know that a window will open.  As I was telling someone last night, when that one door closed on me back in 2006, God opened a window.  And not just an ordinary window.  It was a French one.

Lately, I’ve been feeling restless.  I want to write.  Not just blog, but write.  Not just an article, but a book. My concern is the time.  I know that should I ever start to write, I have to give it time.  But time is extra precious these days.  Being the breadwinner in a single-income household means I have to really prioritize revenue-generating activities, and that leaves me no room for being whimsical.

I berate myself for being so ambitious about writing, when I can’t even keep my blog updated.  I have eyes green with envy when I see blogger friends announce their latest blog posts, and I head over to their sites and read, and feel the envy increase two-fold because they have such pretty pictures to go with the posts.

So now I question my real reason for the un-updated blog.  Is it the scarcity of time, or is it my insecurity?

Insecurity that I can’t write sensibly?  I know I can, yeah?  Insecurity that I can’t put out great pictures to go with my post?  Hmmm… now, that’s a thought.  Are pictures really necessary?  Well, I know they’re great to have, but I think I won’t get shot down if I ever post something without an accompanying photo.  Or will you?  Nah.  I don’t think so.  I know you can be forgive me if I post this one without a photo.

So maybe it’s really the time.

And how much time do I really need to write a blog post?  Timestamp tells me I’ve been on this screen for the past 8 minutes.  But I know that it will take me a little bit more to give this post a title, a description, and add some links.  I’m still considering whether or not I should post this without a photo. So maybe it’s safe to say an average of 30 minutes will suffice?

So it’s not really the time, either.  And the one reason that’s left is that I’m too lazy to even show up.  And that’s not good.  Not good at all.

Woody Allen said this:

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

And then there’s Chuck Close:

Inspiration is for amateurs – the rest of us just show up and get to work.

You won’t believe how many times in a week would I find myself thinking of something that I want to write about.  I would be brushing my teeth, taking a shower, sorting the laundry or cleaning the windows, and a thought will hit me and I will have a few paragraphs written in my mind.  And then I would think about logging in and writing a post, followed promptly by one reason or another to put it off for an hour, and that one hour will become a day, then a week, until the idea completely dies down.

So yes, I totally fail to even show up.  I’m lazy.

I know this is not yet the time for me to sit down and write, but as always, my heart is full of hope that one day, I can make that dream a reality.

For now, I just need to show up.  Even just for this blog.

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